First, on the mood/health side of things, Lyra was only up once last night, so hurray for sleep. Unfortunately I still feel like I’m coming down with a cold so boo for that.
We’re under a storm and wind warning right now, so my transit decision rests on whether I think a tree will fall on the Stanley park causeway. At this point I am leaning towards taking the seabus just to be on the safe side. Less likely to be delayed than the bus.
You know, I have never called my livejournal a blog… I just don’t feel like it is one. It really is a journal in the end. That’s part of why I don’t write in it so much anymore: not because I don’t want to, but because I felt like I needed a proper hook and theme and concept, like a blog.
It isn’t one, and I need to stop thinking of it like that.
I really enjoy writing about my life. I like journalling. I m not trying to be an expert or specialist in anything through this medium, and I think I’m OK with that.
It’s not like anyone else has to read it anyway.
I feel crappy. I’m tired and I want to complain about it. I might be catching something after the past multiple days of not sleeping well and taking care of a sick, cranky toddler. Maybe I’m just exhausted and run down.
I haven’t managed to get out mountain biking for weeks, which may be my own fault, but that’s not the point. I haven’t been riding to work, which is also my own fault. I have many reasons not to ride either bike which I won’t get in to right now. That’s still not the point.
I feel crappy and I want someone to give me a day where it’s actually, really all about me. I want a fancy retreat to a winery on an island, and a day of extra-special pampering, and to sleep all night long (oh, the decadence of sleep!) I want to have a ridiculously lavish meal created in my honour and to my taste.
My burnout level is high. My brain is beginning to suffer for it. Poor brain.
I’ve found that I don’t write much anymore not because I haven’t got the time, (I have plenty of downtime where I could just be writing things) but because when I do find myself with nothing to do, I want to just do nothing. My busy time is busier than it used to be, what with chasing a toddler around and all the associated tasks that come with being a mom. I fit a lot of work into what used to be empty time. At least I can’t claim boredom nearly as often as I used to.
I looked back at my early entries here last week, when I realized that I had (once again) missed the anniversary of creating this space. You’d think I would remember that I made my lj on May the 4th, but I don’t. My Livejournal is now ten years old. I don’t update as often, and I don’t comment as much on other peoples updates, although I’m still reading them. Fewer and fewer people write here, but that’s the nature of these communities… they flare up for a while and then slowly drop off. The same goes for offline communities; eventually everyone moves on or gets replaced by other people. Things change. I’m glad, though, that my lj isn’t filled with one-line updates anymore… at least Facebook’s good for that.
And now Lyra’s grabbing my hands and pulling them off the keyboard when I try to type. I guess I’m off for the moment. I’ll be back soon. Happy tenth anniversary, my lj.
Jenny Lee Silver is a web strategist, writer, photographer, singer, mother, mountain biker, and video gamer who can’t stand being bored.
This site is an outlet for Jenny Lee’s various creative endeavours – expect photo essays, writing, a journal, and maybe even the occasional song to appear at random intervals.
Here’s a tune to get you started: Demons (written by Adam Danger Silver)
She fell asleep in my lap tonight before I could actually put her to bed. I guess it was an eventful day that tired her out… And I just didn’t want to move her for a while.
It’s really incredible that I can just sit here and watch Lyra sleep, and be pretty happy doing so. She looks so peaceful, and I feel like I could make all the noise in the world and she wouldn’t wake up, but I still want to sit here and just… watch her sleep.
I didn’t really get it before — just how it feels to love someone this way. It’s entirely different from anything I’ve ever felt before. I feel physical pain if I think about anything terrible happening to her. My breath catches in my throat if I imagine her getting hurt, and my heart breaks into uncounted millions of shards if I venture into thinking about somehow losing her. It’s a pain I can’t explain to anyone who isn’t a parent, and if you are, then it doesn’t need an explanation. It just is, and I can’t imagine life without her, or that feeling.
Maybe it’s a bit like an elite club, but it’s not that I don’t want people to join — It’s my hope that anyone who wishes to can live this experience, letting us share (even if it’s not spoken aloud) the knowledge that this is a strange, challenging, and ultimately rewarding club to join — the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.
So many people who were already in the club told me that I wouldn’t get it until I was there. I knew they were right then; now I know just how right they were, and exactly what they meant.
I can’t explain it… if you know what I’m talking about, then maybe someday we’ll have a cup of tea and talk about it, but I really don’t know that there’s much to say… it just is. You know what I mean.
So good night my sleeping beauty, I’ll miss you while you’re gone, and I’ll be so happy to see you in the morning — and you won’t understand what I mean until you grow up and maybe have a baby of your own.
Thank you for making me your mom.