It’s just one of those days

I am frustrated, exhausted, and have a headache. Also I have too much to get done right now and not enough free hands. Lyra’s currently on the floor on her play mat, but she’s been there for about ten minutes while I put away laundry, and is likely to get cranky and loud at any moment. She’s already complaining.

Yesterday was the first day I had to recover and relax from visiting family. I rather wanted to just sleep in (hah!) and maybe just relax and play games all day, but there was other stuff I had to get done around the apartment instead. I managed to get some of it done, anyhow – some laundry and the kitchen (although then I went and messed it up by having lunch. Stupid lunch) and a little bit of tidying up, but not nearly what I wanted to get done. I was just too exhausted to finish everything, and I knew I’d be home today to work on some more. Which I am. So now I’m putting laundry away and starting at least one more load, and doing the kitchen again from dinner last night, and just generally tidying up the living room. Plus I’m trying to clean up the bedroom too, which looks like a tornado hit it.

To be honest, I’m just feeling frustrated and flustered and I keep getting annoyed that I have to stop in the middle of everything I’m trying to do because Lyra needs changing, feeding, playing with, naps (which this week have only worked when she sleeps on me, which is the most frustrating part of all.) So I’m kind of irritated and headachey and while stuff’s getting done, it’s a very slow process and I can’t see my way to the end of it yet.

On top of that it’s lunchtime and I need to figure out what to eat, and make it. Might as well leave the kitchen clean-up till after lunch, I guess – that way it’ll all get done at once. Oh yeah, and I need to do some pumping of milk so I can go for a bike ride tomorrow.

On the upside, there is a single deciduous half-way up Grouse Mountain in amongst the pine trees. It’s turned bright orange – a weird orange spot against the deep green. I had to pull out binoculars yesterday to identify what it was… it’s pretty. I do love fall. I should be outside enjoying this nice day, it’s going to be miserable tomorrow I think. Maybe later, if I get stuff done and it’s not dark yet.

An update on Ultra Magnus

Ultra Magnus is frequently active these days. I sit back in my rocking chair and watch my belly twitch and bounce. I feel him/her pressing on various parts of my insides – the bladder most noticeably. My belly is also getting really large; I’ve found that I can’t see my feet anymore when I look down. Also, my boobs are huge, as spadoink mentioned when I saw him on Friday. Even more fun, my belly button has expanded greatly, although fortunately I haven’t yet had to pull out the piercing.

The very strangest part is knowing when the baby is awake. Adam will ask me how I am, and how Ultra Magnus is, and I can switch to this internal check and just kind of know. I have no clue how active is what one might call “normal” but I’ve got a definite idea of what normal is for Ultra Magnus, and for me. Right at this moment, as I write this post, the baby is stretching and pushing on my right side, just below my ribs. Earlier it was playing a game of press on mommy’s bladder – fun for the whole family!

This afternoon and tonight I’ve had a headache. It sucks. I took tylenol for it, but it hasn’t kicked in at all. I’m not really convinced that tylenol helps anyway. At least it never seems to. Maybe if I just go to bed I’ll feel better by the morning.

David Suzuki on Earth Hour and individual actions

This week’s Science Matters column is a good one, I think – David Suzuki’s thoughts on Earth Hour and the point and effectiveness of the actions of individuals. Check out out.

In other news, I have recovered from my migraine. I feel truly awesome – the lack of screaming pain is incredible. This morning I had a massage with my awesome massage therapist, who I haven’t actually been to see in over two years. It was also truly awesome. My back doesn’t ache for the first time in weeks. She worked out the residual shoulder/neck pain from the migraine. It was heavenly.

Amazingly, we are going to Arizona in just over a week. I’m starting to get really excited about it. I have my passport (first one I’ve ever had!) and I’m starting to figure out what to pack. It will be great fun.

Things are good. Ultra Magnus is kicking frequently. It kind of tickles.

A multi-day epic adventure in migraine pain!

Sunday afternoon I developed a nasty headache. I was unwilling yet to call it a migraine.

Monday morning I woke up and did not feel up to getting out of bed. I stayed home from work and spent most of the day on the couch with a pillow over my eyes. I admitted it was a migraine.

Tuesday morning I woke up and thought “I can go to work. I have lots of stuff to get done this week. I really should go to work. The headache seems under control…” By Tuesday afternoon I couldn’t think straight, was mostly incapable of coherent thought, and nearly fell over on my way out of the office (dizzy spells rock!) I took a cab home and ended up back on the couch with the eye pillow.

I phoned the Midwife on Tuesday evening and she suggested I take another day off, and take some Tylenol, and all of the other usual things that might help – massage, dark rooms, and whatever else I can think of that’s pregnancy-friendly.

It is now Wednesday. Here I am at home, still trying to get some work done (when my head clears up enough to allow it) and lying on the couch with two attentive kitties and the ever-present eye pillow.

I have actually managed to get some work done. The helpful part is not having to get up and move anywhere. Standing and walking are the most pain-inducing at the moment, since they cause bloodflow to throb through my head. So glad I didn’t go to work today.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I will feel fine. It’s been many days now; I would like to resume my regular life please.

In happier, less migrainey news, Adam felt Ultra Magnus kick me the other night. That was exciting.

I’ve missed you, yoga…

The yoga DVD I’ve been doing with Adam lately is nice. I think I’m back in yoga-shape enough to do the intermediate stuff, so next time we do it I’ll set the dvd to dual mode so I can try it out and see how it goes. It wasn’t really challenging in beginner mode today.

Tomorrow Adam has an interview for a full time position at his work. He’s not particularly confident about it in the sense that he thinks the people he’s up against are more likely to be given the positions available, but I don’t think he should discount the idea completely, like he seems to be. There’s always a chance, or why would they bother to even interview him? At any rate, this might be the end of his contract work hell. Or it might not. I guess we won’t know till later. If you can think positive or happy thoughts or something for him, then please do so.

We’re hiring at my work too. I wish I had a friend I could refer to it – it would be nice to get a friend working with me. Not that they’d be working directly with me, since it’s in the marine department and all, but it’d be cool to work with someone I know. Or something. Anyhow, it’s a neat job in an interesting department, and I don’t know anyone who’d be interested.

My brother’s dying to move out of my mom’s place now, but doesn’t know how he’s going to manage it without a roommate. Again, I wish I knew someone who could room with him or he could get to know well enough to be comfortable rooming with or something, but I just don’t. Not helpful.

I have another appointment at the Naturopathic Doctor tomorrow. Thus far, since I’ve been going to see him, I haven’t had a migraine. Not even the one I’ve had every month for the past 14 years or so, the day before my period starts. So what did he do for me? Liver detox and a vitamin B complex, and some interesting treatments with a nifty machine and sound waves and acupuncture points to try and balance out my liver. It has issues with metabolizing hormones I guess, which is what triggers the migraines.

This is big news to me. I haven’t had a migraine in nearly a month, when I was getting them 1-3 times a week for the past however many years. Not one. I’ve had the hints of them, as if it’s considering starting, but then it never manifests. It’s just… well, I’m thrilled.

Brain Candy

So I went to the doctor’s office this morning, and he prescribed me with something to prevent my migraines. I came home and read up on this wonder drug, and I am absolutely terrified of trying it. Seriously. The migraines sound like a better option.

Maybe I just overreact, but messing with brain chemistry has long been something that I hesitate to do, especially after my stint on the prozac so quickly prescribed to me back in college. That stuff left me numb and without meaning for a long while. Sure, it helped me realize I had to leave my boyfriend at the time for the sake of my own well-being, but beyond that it was a strange and disconnected experience for me – one I would prefer not to have again.

This stuff I was prescribed today is an anti-seizure medication. It most definitely messes with your brain chemistry, and they don’t really know why it works for seizures or for migraines. Side effects can include weight loss, memory problems, sluggishness, and a general feeling of stupidity and slowness – as if your brain isn’t working properly. I quite like my brain most of the time, when it’s not assaulting me from the inside. Even then, I’d rather not beat it into submission by making myself stupid.

As such, right now I’m hesitant to try the stuff. It’s a preventative, which means take it every day, upping the dosage after two weeks, and so on. You can’t just stop using it, either, you have to wean yourself off it. Kind of scary. It’s also used as an anti-depressant, but they don’t know why it works.

Not sure I wanna be a hamster, even a painfully cute one.

Blahs

We’ve been in New Liskeard for a day now, and today was painfully boring. I couldn’t even come up with something to do to pass the time. Hopefully this will change, people will show up and we’ll be able to go out and do stuff with them (get coffee at the very least.) Anything. Sitting in the house watching the crap on the television just depresses me. Adam likes to watch movies, so he’s got that at least, since his dad has a whole lot of movies and a 61″ tv. I just don’t want to sit still for that long. So far there’s not much else to do though – well I could play video games on the giant tv, but I really don’t like doing that with an audience. Plus I didn’t bring my game with me, and Drakengard is all I feel like playing at the moment anyhow.

I might play some sims 2 on my computer in a while. That can pass the time like nothing else. I’m very happy to have my computer and an internet connection. Very happy indeed.

Adam and Vachel are playing Soul Calibur III on the giant tv while we wait for dinner.

Also, I’ve had a headache for the past few hours. Stupid head.

My mom sent me photos of the trees that came down surrounding her house. Frightning.

Maybe tomorrow if we end up sitting around the house again I’ll sort through things in the bedroom. We still have stuff stored here that I really want sent back home out west because I miss it. I could also start burning some of the cds we have stored here.

It is very good to see family, though, even if I do have a case of the blahs.

Refortifying my skin’s moisture…

Okay not really.

So yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment, where I showed him my weird rash on my calf. He gave me a couple of creams to try on it, and if they don’t work then we’ll biopsy it. I like watching biopsies. Almost hope we end up having to do that. (Yeah, weird I know.)

I also told him how my headache tracking program went – gave him a full rundown on the frequency, how they affect me, what can trigger them, and the things I’ve tried to make them not come (like hydrating myself, which didn’t work.)

His conclusion is one of two things: Migraines or Muscle spasm headaches. He gave me a medication to try the next time I feel one coming on, and I’m to let him know if it works or not. That will help rule out one or the other.

Not that I really want to join the migraine sufferers club, but at least if we can figure out what it is he can treat me for it. Having brutal headaches for 4 or five days every week is just getting old.

Dear ipod fairy: I would welcome an 80gb visit.

Rainy November

I read that November is the rainiest month in Vancouver. Thus far it’s proving accurate. I don’t really mind the rain this early on, it hasn’t had a chance to seep into my bones and make me forget what the sun looks like. The rain at this point still gives me a sense of calm and connectedness with the world.

As such, I can’t blame my melancholia on the rain.

I’ve discovered that one of the women I work with is a mountain biker, perhaps around the same level as I am. If it was pre-rainy-season, this would mean I have someone to go riding with that isn’t the bunch of boys with whom I currently ride. Since it’s rainy, it means that we’ve started making plans to go riding when we can. It will be nice.

I’m feeling a little like a creative failure at the moment. I decided not to do NaNoWriMo because I didn’t want to commit the time to it and because I didn’t have an idea. Plus, I haven’t finished editing last year’s (I hate editing so very much) and I feel I should really do so before starting something new. The problem is, I don’t feel like anyone really wants to see anything I’ve created these days. Even if I do finish editing and Vachel sends me the drawings he’s doing for the story, and I go and self-publish it, I have a feeling the whole thing will go the way of my photo site – no one’s going to actually buy a copy.

The new site, which I put so much work into and meant a lot to me to get done, has proven to be basically pointless. I feel as though I might as well take it down. Sure, if I had some marketing maybe people would buy a picture or two, but I don’t, and I am useless at self-promotion, and the last thing I want to do is go out into a community and try to sell myself. That just makes me feel worse about myself, like I’m a fraud on top of being useless.

Photo a Day is done at the end of the month. Perhaps after that I should just stop for a while. I create things to share them, and if no one’s looking then I lose a lot of motivation to create. I’m not going to be altruistic and tell you that I do it for my own satisfaction – that isn’t how it goes. My satisfaction comes from sharing it.

As for music, I’m pretty much nothing without a facilitator of some kind, and that is something I don’t have. Adam’s afraid if we work on things together we’ll end up in fights. I’m not convinced of that, but if he thinks it’ll happen then chances are it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, going out to meet strangers to work with will not happen – I don’t have the confidence to meet people and make friends with them very well. I’ve reached a point that I’m considering joining a choir, even though I really don’t like choir music all that much, just for the opportunity to sing.

I’m kind of hoping when I have Fridays off (starting soon) that I’ll take that time alone to work on things on my own. Maybe something will come of that. I may get to work on a Podcast through work, too, which I’d find really interesting – it would be very nice to use some of the stuff I learned in college again, since I haven’t really done so since I was doing the FneuCast way back when.

Bleh. None of it matters. I’m insecure and frustrated.

I picked up the tickets for the Billy Talent show in January. That will be fun.

The rain just picked up. It’s going nuts out there. Storm warning yay – something 100mm of rain projected for tonight.

Headache update (this is for me, because I don’t remember to keep track of these things anywhere else…)
Wednesday: Headache all day, pretty bad, and advil didn’t help.
Thursday: Headache in the morning, went away with advil, then came back in the afternoon. mid-level.
Friday: Headache at night
Saturday: Headache most of the day
Sunday: Woke up with the headache, went back to sleep hoping it’d go away, woke up again and still had it. Centralized behind the eyes and the back of the neck (as per usual.) Avoiding the computer much of the day in the hopes that might help, it didn’t. About to take some advil.

I’ve increased my water intake all week in the hopes of making the headache(s) stop, thinking it might be dehydration. It hasn’t helped with headaches, so I don’t think that’s it.