After the funeral

Back from the whole funeral service thing. I don’t understand them, other than people’s need to say goodbye, I guess. It was really stressful and depressing. Jay’s doing okay, but I’m still worried about it. All I really want to do is just shut down for a while, I’m so tired.

I realized while we were out of town (yet again, this is an ongoing realization) that I wish I had a Dad. Jay’s dad was so good the whole time, he got both sons suits to wear and drove them around making sure everything was taken care of and stuff. He didn’t go to the service, as he didn’t feel welcome by that side of the family, but he was there for his sons. It was really nice to see, and it made me jealous in an abstract kind of way.

Anyhow… Jay’s going to be looking for part time work and finalizing what school he wants to go to (night courses) which takes some pressure off me. I still want to move. I’m going to start calling places to find something in the area that we can afford, since I make more than I did when I first moved into the current tiny apartment, and can afford a bit more a month. But right now I’m just tired, and someone replaced my mouse on my work computer with a crappy mouse that catches on air, and a couple other things aren’t working right, and I am moody and want to go home. It’s friday, I just have to get through today. Bleah. This has been a rough week for us.


Jay’s mom passed away today. I just found out 20 minutes ago. He’s gone to be with his family. I’m still at work. Not much to say.


Addendum: I love him. I want to spend my life with him. I just always wanted an equal relationship… and I’m tired of waiting.

Relationships are tiring

Watching television (okay, I’m pretty damn bored). I hate being bored. It’s really not good for me, it just makes me moody & annoyed with stuff, which seems to be the state I’ve been in all day anyhow.

I got annoyed with Jay tonight about the moving thing. I want to move, and he doesn’t care if we don’t move. He likes it here… he likes the area (as do I) and he likes the apartment (which I don’t, obviously.) It seems more to me like he’s just happy coasting here, because it’s easy. And that pisses me off to no end. When the relationship started, we were on equal ground, both had jobs, both were fully able to take care of ourselves, both hating the jobs we had but getting by. He moved in a while ago, and hasn’t worked since. He tells me that he’s going to go to school, but he’s been saying that for months now, and I’m so frustrated. It only really comes up as an issue when I’m doing housework, since he doesn’t help much, or when I want to move, but we can’t because I’m the only one with a job… but we could though, my job is a lot better than my old one, and I could afford a new place on my own… I just want a relationship that’s on equal ground again, like it used to be, like it’s supposed to be. I hate waiting, I’m tired of waiting, I’m really bad at waiting. I want him to take part in our relationship. I’m just so tired.