Pink Starfish trail day, kayaking accident

I finished my write-up for the Pink Starfish trail day. The NSMBA is fighting to save this trail from being closed down by showing that they’re willing to do sustainable trail work and maintenance on it, seriously lowering the impact on the surrounding environment. Here’s the link if you want to check it out. It rained. Hard.

This year all of my birthday wishes came through Facebook. A sign of the times? I had a good one. Across the Universe is awesome. Adam gave me pants made of Hemp! Pants!!

Work has been pretty crazy the past few weeks… I get home and want to sleep lately, but there’s still too much going on for that. I’m rather tired recently, and have been going to bed earlier and earlier without ever feeling entirely rested. Tonight is an exception – it’s midnight after all (or nearly.) Obviously not an early night. I’ve decided to go into work a bit later tomorrow and stay longer than I usually do to make up for it. Maybe sleeping in a little will help.

I keep thinking I’ll bike to work again, but haven’t had the energy. Again with the sleepiness… it’s bedtime.

One last note – one of the women on the Chilcotins Trip with me has gone through a terrible loss. Her husband Richard was killed in a Kayaking accident on the weekend. I met him once and spoke to him in email… it was a shock for sure. Adam and I are going to attend a memorial for him on the 25th. While I didn’t know him well myself, I had been playing phone tag with him for about three weeks just before it happened, and I spent a lot of time with his wife, who spoke of him often. I feel deeply sad for her and their two teenage children.

The whole thing just made me stop and think a lot about life, and how it might feel to lose Adam.

Day 1

First day of the year. Exhausted from travelling, flying, staying up till midnight last night which felt like 3am, and just generally being moody. I wonder if the moody is a result of the exhaustion, or if it stands alone. I can’t tell. Our flight back was uneventful, in comparison to the volatile flight we had to Toronto two and a half weeks ago. We got to see both Mt. Baker and Mt. Rainier from above the clouds, which was very neat. Rainier’s big.

I was given an old Palm m125 which I have now synched with my Outlook. It may prove to be useful in conjunction with the scavenger hunt I’m about to talk about.

I’ve decided to do a photo scavenger hunt that a flickr group I joined does. It should be interesting. I’d start tonight but I’m tired and don’t want to move. Instead I think I shall go start dinner.

For a first day of the year it’s been quiet, mellow, and I’ve been in a strange mood. I think I’m anxious to get some time alone on transit, and I’m glad to be going back into a regular schedule. I’ll have to make an appointment with my doctor to try and work out the Migraines thing. It’s time for life to continue.

Rainy November

I read that November is the rainiest month in Vancouver. Thus far it’s proving accurate. I don’t really mind the rain this early on, it hasn’t had a chance to seep into my bones and make me forget what the sun looks like. The rain at this point still gives me a sense of calm and connectedness with the world.

As such, I can’t blame my melancholia on the rain.

I’ve discovered that one of the women I work with is a mountain biker, perhaps around the same level as I am. If it was pre-rainy-season, this would mean I have someone to go riding with that isn’t the bunch of boys with whom I currently ride. Since it’s rainy, it means that we’ve started making plans to go riding when we can. It will be nice.

I’m feeling a little like a creative failure at the moment. I decided not to do NaNoWriMo because I didn’t want to commit the time to it and because I didn’t have an idea. Plus, I haven’t finished editing last year’s (I hate editing so very much) and I feel I should really do so before starting something new. The problem is, I don’t feel like anyone really wants to see anything I’ve created these days. Even if I do finish editing and Vachel sends me the drawings he’s doing for the story, and I go and self-publish it, I have a feeling the whole thing will go the way of my photo site – no one’s going to actually buy a copy.

The new site, which I put so much work into and meant a lot to me to get done, has proven to be basically pointless. I feel as though I might as well take it down. Sure, if I had some marketing maybe people would buy a picture or two, but I don’t, and I am useless at self-promotion, and the last thing I want to do is go out into a community and try to sell myself. That just makes me feel worse about myself, like I’m a fraud on top of being useless.

Photo a Day is done at the end of the month. Perhaps after that I should just stop for a while. I create things to share them, and if no one’s looking then I lose a lot of motivation to create. I’m not going to be altruistic and tell you that I do it for my own satisfaction – that isn’t how it goes. My satisfaction comes from sharing it.

As for music, I’m pretty much nothing without a facilitator of some kind, and that is something I don’t have. Adam’s afraid if we work on things together we’ll end up in fights. I’m not convinced of that, but if he thinks it’ll happen then chances are it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, going out to meet strangers to work with will not happen – I don’t have the confidence to meet people and make friends with them very well. I’ve reached a point that I’m considering joining a choir, even though I really don’t like choir music all that much, just for the opportunity to sing.

I’m kind of hoping when I have Fridays off (starting soon) that I’ll take that time alone to work on things on my own. Maybe something will come of that. I may get to work on a Podcast through work, too, which I’d find really interesting – it would be very nice to use some of the stuff I learned in college again, since I haven’t really done so since I was doing the FneuCast way back when.

Bleh. None of it matters. I’m insecure and frustrated.

I picked up the tickets for the Billy Talent show in January. That will be fun.

The rain just picked up. It’s going nuts out there. Storm warning yay – something 100mm of rain projected for tonight.

Headache update (this is for me, because I don’t remember to keep track of these things anywhere else…)
Wednesday: Headache all day, pretty bad, and advil didn’t help.
Thursday: Headache in the morning, went away with advil, then came back in the afternoon. mid-level.
Friday: Headache at night
Saturday: Headache most of the day
Sunday: Woke up with the headache, went back to sleep hoping it’d go away, woke up again and still had it. Centralized behind the eyes and the back of the neck (as per usual.) Avoiding the computer much of the day in the hopes that might help, it didn’t. About to take some advil.

I’ve increased my water intake all week in the hopes of making the headache(s) stop, thinking it might be dehydration. It hasn’t helped with headaches, so I don’t think that’s it.

Project Ideas.

Very soon, I will run out of days in my Picture a Day project – Basically it runs through November and then it is over. This leaves me feeling a bit relieved and a bit sad at the same time. I don’t relish the thought of having no projects to work on.

I will get to the art meme projects this weekend. Starting to pull some ideas together.

I’ve basically decided not to do NaNoWriMo this year, partly so I can attempt to finish the PaD project with some style or flair or something. That would only be a one month project anyway, so it doesn’t make a difference when it comes to what I’m going to work on come December.

The thing is, I’m having some trouble coming up with a project concept that is relatively viable for me. And so I ask you, lj, in some vague attempt to acquire feedback, for suggestions on what sort of project I should take on next. I’d like it to be somewhat intensive – perhaps not in the time scope as my Photo a Day for a year project, but at least something that requires more than an afternoon’s commitment and that I can maintain, update, and add to on a regular basis.

Please comment, lj-land, with suggestions and ideas for me. If you prefer, please email me jenny at jennyleesilver.com with your suggestions. I’ll consider them all, and maybe put it to a poll.

Also considering setting up a mailing list to keep people updated on what I’m currently working on. I kind of miss the FneuList.

Couldn’t sleep at all tonight, I had too much on my mind…

I want to go to school.

I looked at night courses and kept thinking things like “why would I take underwater basket weaving? I’m not that interested and it doesn’t get me anywhere.” Then I went to look at Langara College’s continuing education, and found what I really wanted.

So yeah. I want to go to night school. Now to save up the money to do just that, somewhere in between saving for the trip back east for Christmas, getting Adam a new video card, and generally living… The benefit of the continuing education program is that I can still work full time and take the courses I need. The problem is I don’t make enough to pay for those courses.

There is a huge world out there that I would like to conquer, and my next step is school – the kind where I can really, actually study and enjoy and work hard and feel accomplished at instead of just going because it’s what you do when you leave high school. I feel incredibly driven to do this now, and I’m hoping to figure out a way to put money aside so I can start at least one or two courses in January. I’d start in September but that’s just right out of the question considering how we’ve budgeted for September.

I guess I need to figure out how to promote the website, pick up a photography contract or something, and research bursaries and scholarships (although you can’t qualify for those unless you have a transcript to prove you’re in school. heh.) I’ve wanted to go back to school for four years now, I just didn’t really see how it would be possible before. Now I see that it is possible, just very, very difficult. That I can handle – or at least I can the way I felt today.

Buy a picture, help me get to school. Buy a few pictures. I really only need one piece of gear to round out the equipment I have for now (need is relative, there are lots of things i want but don’t need exactly, but one thing I definitely need,) so any extra cash I get beyond a laptop/camera pack now will go straight into saving for school.

I can’t be an admin assistant forever, I may destroy something, and it might end up being me.

Time for a ride

There is a pigeon on the roof of the building next door. Both cats are staring avidly at it. They seem to think they can catch it through the window. Well, at least it’s not a bald eagle this time. That was just too funny.

I’m going out riding today with Chris and Lorne. Adam can’t come, as his finger is still splinted from the last time he went riding. Nothing broken or sprained or anything, just a snapped ligament (or tendon, I can never remember) that has to be in a splint for six weeks to hopefully heal. It’s been three weeks now.

I think we might be heading up Fromme to do Pipeline. That’s what I’m hoping, anyhow – we would rather have someone to shuttle us up part way if that is the case, since the ride up the paved road to the base of the gravel access road that leads to the trail is hellish on a hot day. Otherwise we’re going to try CBC on Mt. Seymour, and I’m not entirely sure I’m up for that yet, Seymour has proven to often be more challenging than I can handle. I know it’s good to challenge myself, but when I end up walking so much that I feel like I didn’t even go riding, I get really disheartened about the whole thing. I have to find a balance between challenging myself and overdoing it, I think.

I hope to take this chance to try out my new lens on Chris and Lorne on the trails. That should be interesting… I’ll post anything that looks good.

Good and Bad

Good: I finally tried to pull my shit together and get my taxes done for the last three years.
Bad: Haven’t done my taxes in 3 years. Am missing most of the paperwork which is in boxes in ontario. Have to call the government tomorrow and hopefully get the paperwork back from them. Ick.

Good: I paid off my Canada Student Loan
Bad: I apparently didn’t pay off my Ontario student loan yet, even though I thoght I had. This means if I get money back from aforementioned taxes, it will go towards said student loan.

Good: I got some contract work for the next month or so.
(that one’s just good.)

Good: Called that collection agency that left a message on my phone a few weeks back to find out wtf they were looking for.
Bad: Apparently I have an outstanding debt on a store credit card that I don’t remember, but may very well have had. I guess I’ll have to pay that one back. I had the card in 99 apparently, and don’t remember it at all. Strange.

Good: Got invited on Adam’s mountain biking trip next week.
(also just good, I think.)

Good: My new website is very very close to done and ready to go live
Bad: My new website isn’t live yet damnit!

The good outweighs the bad but I really need a higher income to pay back all these old stupid debts that keep surfacing. If I could get them dealt with, I’d be back at square one again, and that would be fantastic.